Permission from the Woman of the House

Every once in a while, I hear someone start off bentching with the usual form of asking permission to lead and include the "ba'alas ha-bayis" - the woman of the house - in the request. When I was younger, I only heard it from egalitarian Conservatives. Later, I started hearing it from renegade Modern Orthodox Jews, the kind who (in my limited experience) were rarely particularly pious or learned but always had an opinion on Jewish matters. Let us review the matter and see whether such a statement makes sense.

The practice of starting a zimmun (communal "bentching" with at least three participants) is not well documented. The Siddur Ezor Eliyahu states that it was rarely an Ashkenazic practice and was largely adopted from Sephardic practice. However, it seems to me that the Roke'ah (335) mentions the practice, as do the later Tosefos Yom Tov (Divrei Hamudos, Berakhos 7:47), Vilna Gaon (Ma'aseh Rav, 85) and Kitzur Shulhan Arukh (45:6). The practice is codified regarding asking permission before reciting the ha-motzi blessing on bread (Shulhan Arukh, Orah Hayim 167:14 in Rema's gloss) but, surprisingly, not regarding bentching (op. cit., 192:1).

The question, though, is why such a practice is done. Do we ask permission as a mere sign of respect or is it a literal request for permission from those who have a prior right to lead the blessing? If the former, then there seems room to show respect to the woman of the house as well. If the latter, however, the practice seems meaningless because the woman of the house may not lead the blessing so there is no need to request her permission.

The Magen Avraham (167:33) quotes the Lehem Hamudos (i.e. the Divrei Hamudos cited above) that the custom is to ask permission from any kohen that is present. Why? Because there is an obligation to sanctify the kohen by allowing him to go first and to lead the bentching. Not necessarily to respect him any more than another, but to give him priority. Therefore, the kohen should really be leading the blessing and one must ask permission to lead in his place. Similarly, the Mishnah Berurah (167:75) states that even a great person or the homeowner should ask permission from the others as a sign of modesty, as if the others should really be the ones leading the blessing. What emerges is that the reason for asking permission is that it is a literal request for permission to lead the blessing before someone who technically has predecence in leading it. It is not merely a token ceremonial recitation to show respect.

R. Daniel Z. Feldman (Binah Ba-Sefarim, vol. 3 po. 57-58) cites a number of recent authorities influenced by kabbalah and hassidus that imply that the recitation is a display of respect rather than a literal request for permission. In this vein, they sanction requesting permission from the Sabbath Queen etc. (although not without opposition; cf. Kaf Ha-Hayim 192:2).

Therefore, according to the standard understanding that the "birshus" is a literal request for permission from those who have prior right to leading the bentching, there is no room to ask permission from the woman of the house who, despite deserving ample respect and gratitude, does not factor into this matter. Those who add the woman into the request are demonstrating that they do not take its function seriously. However, there seems to be a recent trend among kabbalists to remove the primary function of this request and turn it into a ceremonial recitation. But don't get me started on the ceremonialization and mysticization of simple halakhic acts.